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Thursday, 21 February 2013

I Want a Knight in Shining Armour, Not a Fool in Tin Foil



Being a student is an exciting time in many people’s lives.  A time when its almost protocol to go to the Spar in your jammies, five nights out in a week seems pretty normal and your standards of whether it is acceptable to eat that yoghurt 3 days past its sell by date have changed dramatically since your Mum did the shopping.  Whilst many of us are happy to experience these amazing years as a single person (think Carrie Bradshaw before Big came into the picture and messed things up, rather than good old Christmas jumper Bridget Jones) there are a number of us who blissfully glide into relationships.  A particular classmate, who shall remain anonymous, sticks out in my memory as stating the reason she came to uni was to ‘get married’.  I’m all for being a housewife, or even better a lady who lunches, but that does seem a bit ridiculous.  To quote an over-used cliché, dating is a minefield. We’ve all had those nights which I would describe as ‘a waste of makeup’ and I will try and provide a go-to guide of those who should have ‘AVOID’ emblazoned across their foreheads.


1.       The Mummy’s Boy



This type of guy is usually pretty easy to detect, often wearing his mummy’s boy status like a badge of honour.  Yeh, we like it when you love your mum but there is a limit.  We want a man who can stand up for himself and be the brave one when there’s a bang in the house at night so we can be scared.  It isn’t going to be often that we refuse your help with the washing up like your mum does – maybe this isn’t going to work.


Usual Habitat:  Love Rouge Bakery, they do cakes in there like Mummy makes.


2.       The Really Healthy One


There is a fine line between eating healthily and looking after yourself and becoming a pain in the ass.  I want to order a large meat feast pizza from Dominoes and eat it in one sitting by myself and I don’t want to be judged.


Usual Habitat:  Sainsburys  Otley Road, stocking up on bottled water, lettuce, lean mince and cottage cheese.


3.       The One That Borrows Your Clothes


Don’t get me wrong, I have no issue with letting people borrow my clothes and I might even force a guy into a dress for my own amusement, but when I wanted to wear that t-shirt tonight and you are – things are going to get tough. 


Usual Habitat: Oxfam, sifting through mounds of clothes trying to find that Topshop sweater from 2011 in an 18 so it doesn’t look like it was made for a girl.



4.       The One Who’s Stories Are Always Better Than Yours



I love a good story and being interesting is high up on my list, but I really did meet Neil Buchanan from Art Attack and no story of any magnitude is better than that.


Usual Habitat:  Quaffing Sauvignon Blanc at the Arc regaling his mates with that story of when he met Kate Moss in the Kirkstall Greggs.


5.       The One Who Pouts in Pictures

Admittedly, this is a rare breed of man.  It has been a skill of ours, crafted over many years of experience to develop the perfect photo face (known to some as the pout) and I don’t think there is enough room for both of us to do so.  Things could get weird, rumours could be spread, and next thing you know people are saying we are brother and sister.

Usual Habitat: Glancing too often at his reflection in any nearby shiny surface in The Box.


Readers, please, go forth and conquer.  But remember to spread the word, make up is expensive you know.


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