There
are certain things in life which are undeniably fact. This is commonly construed to be “Nothing is
certain in life but death and taxes”, but this isn’t quite what I mean. I believe there are ten truths in life which
are unavoidable and are factually true, to my standards anyway.
1. Old Dogs are the Saddest Thing Ever
As a massive dog fan, puppies are
heaven sent; I can honestly say I think old dogs are truly tragic. Nothing breaks my heart more than a hobblely
old dog with the same look in his eyes that was there as a puppy. I used to blub saying goodnight to my old
Labrador just because she was getting old.
This started about 3 years before she passed away and might make me
the saddest person ever but it is undeniable – old dogs are just too sad.
2. Drug Dogs or ... Drug Addicts
Following on from the doggie theme, I
pondered this a few nights ago after an episode of Family Guy. Drug dogs are miraculous and do many great
things for our country, but are they just addicts trying to get their next
high? With those supersensitive noses
something must slip in, it’s not just the Bonio that’s their motivation.
3. Shloer is far Better Than Wine
Don’t get me wrong, I love wine as
much as the next twenty-something year old woman and often it’s the only thing
that hits the spot, but sometimes at parties when offered a glass of wine and
I’ve already spotted the Shloer I find it hard to choose. Shloer is definitely tastier and it was
perfect for pretending I was drinking wine as a child. On reflection though, when wine was the
choice I made, Shloer is a cracking fixer for that all too familiar ‘never-ending-thirst’
hangover.
4. A Peplum is a Problem Solver
When I have been over indulging or not
feeling too hot, my trusty collection of peplums is where I turn. No top has ever been so flattering,
highlighting your waist and concealing the muffin top, when these become
seriously unfashionable I am going to be screwed.
5. You’re Never Too Old for Lambrini
Admittedly, this was the drink of many
of our teenage years and for some, may hold some truly hideous memories, but
fear not – trusty old Lambrini is a familiar friend. Maybe not one to be swigged in public, but in
the privacy of your own home, and the company of friends who are going to keep
your dirty little secret, it is definitely acceptable.
6. Kris Humphries, Taylor Lautner’s
Brother Gone Wrong
I believe Taylor Lautner, best known
for playing Jacob in Twilight, to have a brother, gone slightly wrong, in Kim
Kardashian’s ex-husband Kris. Brief
though their marriage was, he came into the spotlight and immediately caused
suspicions in my mind as Taylor’s secret bruv.
7. Every Silver Lining Has a Cloud
When they first coined the phrase
“every cloud has a silver lining” I think they got it wrong. It is far more accurate that every silver
lining has a cloud, remember that time you finally found those Topshop
platforms in your size after weeks of searching high and low only to take them
home and realise one had a wobbly heel?
Or that mad rush to McDonalds to make it there before they stopped
selling breakfasts and your favourite Sausage and Egg McMuffin was sold out?
That’s your cloud on your silver lining.
8. Something’s Not Right About Prof.
Brian Cox’s Smile
I know he is a national treasure, a
complete genius and for some women an absolute fox, but oh God his smile. A top lip that NEVER moves is an untrustworthy
one if I ever saw one. It just isn’t
natural. Maybe a Botox injection too far
or a science experiment gone wrong, I don’t know, but that ain’t right.
9. One Drink is Never Just One Drink
Try as I might to make sure that I
maintain some level of dignity, I can never just do as I say and have just one
drink. These nights tend to be the most
fun, spontaneity at its best – but there was a reason for ‘just one
drink’. Whether it be a deadline, an
early start or an important meeting the next day you’ll be cursing yourself
until you crawl into bed at 6pm the next day, cradling a bowl of mashed
potatoes just like Mum used to make.
10. You will Always Regret a Chinese Takeaway
I love Chinese food, and weekly I get
a real hankering for it. No matter what
I order, and despite how much I enjoy it at the time, I always regret it. There is no comparable feeling to the
post-Chinese agony where curling up in the foetal position is all you can do to
make yourself feel better. The gut
wrenching pain is made worse by a check in your pocket making you remember you
just paid for this misery – WHY? WHY DID I DO IT AGAIN? Unfailingly though, I
have to admit, I still can’t resist.